Once I seariously considered becoming a professional musician. Two reasons that made me change my mind:
- I was so far from being naturally gifted, all my musical virtues were and will allways be "engineered"
- being a non gifted musician (and, most probably, even if I was gifted) would be to live with a constant frustration. To be a musician is to grasp perfection, without ever possessing it. To be a musician is to grasp but never reach.
I remember the moments I could listen to myself playing and think: this sounds good (my cello was amazing). At that moment, I was starting to grasp. I stopped playing.
Even today, when I listen to some graduate students with 20 years of practice, I think: shit, is he satisfied!? And the problem is that I am a beginner.
Bottom line, in music, not as in engineering, success (inner and outter) is very far from granted and failure is very common.
This is a negative vision of music, of course. Music is so much more than this: a different way of seeing music (OH MY GOD! It's me dancing back in Romania!).
All this applies to "why I am not a poet", although in poetry I haven't even grasped:
VIII - Quasi (1913)
Um pouco mais de sol — eu era brasa.
Um pouco mais de azul — eu era além.
Para atingir, faltou-me um golpe de asa...
Se ao menos eu permanecesse aquém...
Monday, December 7, 2009
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1 comment:
It's curious how many go through life feeling like you do (did).
I'm also an engineering student who really wanted to be an artist (painter, illustrator, drawer, graphic designer, whatever) but in a weird twist of fate ended up in a boring place, studying boring subjects and wishing that fate, God, the light or the energy opens doors and guides me towards experiences and people who eventually led me to do something good and satisfying with my life.
I love reading your blog (as well as the first one) :)
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